touch my mouth with your hands

God talked to me last night. attempted to help me understand what’s happened over the past couple of years. why so many people have been removed. all my fault, except the closest ones. people i thought i’d have with me forever are long gone now.

i claim to miss them. even try to convince myself by getting down about it, but God showed me that wasn’t sincere. just me not wanting to admit i was wrong about so many people. me not really wanting to move on.

He showed me everyone that’s here now. showed how they’ve been as good to me as I’ve been to them. unwavering. i understand He wants me to appreciate them all. and i do. but i don’t appreciate anyone as much as i appreciate you.

i awake after a short slumber and crave some lauryn hill. you are just like the water. can’t wait to see you and hold you in my arms, however briefly. is this how it feels to really¬†want forever with someone? it is more beautiful than anything i have ever felt, anything i have ever known.

It covers my eyes. It’s all I can see. Say there’s some kids playing baseball. All I see is the one kid they won’t let play because he tells corny jokes. And no-one thinks they’re funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love and kissing, you know. I just see that they’re gonna be one of those sad old couples one day who just cheats on each other and can’t even look at each other in the eye. And I feel it. I feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably even worse than that sad old couple or that corny kid will ever feel it.
l. fitzgerald